Current mood:

confused

A personal rant
I am feeling a little depressed recently. Not sure why but the pressure is starting to feel heavy and it seems that I am no longer able to ease it in anyway. Almost like the more I try, the more I lose myself. All my life I tried so hard to keep everything inside, try to disolved it in some way but this time its different. I actually "want" to let it out but I am afraid and it conflicts with my ideals and understanding. I am afraid that in doing so I may end up pouring my poison to others and cause them more misery than they may already need.

Through the years of growing up I have come across so many conflicting ideas and while I yearn for the knowledge and wisdom in order to improve myself but it only ended up confusing myself some more. As a child I learnt to do things always in consideration of other. I learnt that manner is important, that modesty is almost always needed. But little do I know what they really meant. How to be truly modest, how to be truly honest about one's feelings. I did not have any of these. What I practise was only to be bound by my own rules and understand and what limited wisdom I have. And then I am told I am too hard on myself. I probably am and in doing so I become teribbly harsh on others. But it hurts me, as I feel that I am not an honest person, at least in my expression, and therefore not modest at all. I feel other's pain and misfortunes and I am sensitive about what others feel but at the same time I also pick up their faults, faults of being an imperfect human being. But then only to realize that I am one too!

Then as I learn more about life, about the cycle that we are stuck in, I realized that all my beliefs and ideals were somewhat passed down by those who taught them to me and that I actually can redefine my own. But breaking them down and redefining them is just so hard. It almost requires twisted logic and utmost faith, lots of courage and a very clear mind. Old habits are so hard to change. Furthermore, I explorered other mysteries and dimensions of life and it lead me to even greater wisdom but at the same time even more twisted thinking, more redefining and I feel more and more distanced from this physical world but at the same time more closer to the so called "reality" that we are facing.

I realized that this world, this earth is nothing more than a learning ground, a place where we can learn to rediscover our true nature again, to learn that big lesson in life and to become that greater self or rather selfless being. Whats more difficult is that we have to do it amongst others who are also trying to find themselves and we are bound by this physical limitation, these emotions that we have and this mind that constanly toy with us in our struggle and our fight to break free.